Depression - So alone

Trigger warning: Please read on with caution as this topic is considered a trigger.

Hey Guys,

So on today's blog I wanted to talk a little about what depression feels like for me.

It is important to remember that depression or in fact any form of mental illness is unique and different for everyone who suffers from it.

For me when I have a bout of depression which I seem to be facing as writing this blog post its a feeling of absolute despair, I look at my life so negatively and although I try to think of the positives in my life, even they seem at that time not enough to pull me out of it.

The one positive thing in my life is my family and eventually the thought of them does pull me out of the darkest thoughts.

Some people say that depression is a thought and not a physically present illness like say a broken leg or pain. Well for me when I am depressed it is a physical presence, I find it so hard to describe it but its like my vision changes, my body becomes extremely tired I don't just mean feeling a bit drained I mean my body feels like it is very close to shut down!

I've heard depression explained like a black dog, Well for me its more like a black cloud, the black dog will only affect you if you look at it surely but when the dark clouds form everywhere you look is darkness.

The worst part of depression for me, probably being a man is that I feel like I cant talk about it. I feel like I will be judged. I tried to reach out to someone by text today and their exact words in response to me was man up and get on with it.

I'm not just saying that men only get this I am sure women face the same struggles as men do but for some reason its more of a taboo for men to open up. Even my counsellor is finding it hard to get me to open up after 7 sessions. Its how I was brought up! My dad was a bit of a tough guy he didn't care for feelings or emotions, if you were hurt or upset his reaction to this would of been violence. But maybe this is because he didn't know how to react to his own thoughts and feelings.

I look around me wherever I am and all I see is people, work, out shopping, down at the golf club wherever it is there is people all around us yet depression makes me feel like the loneliest person on the planet.

But on the other side of the coin if someone did say to me come on open up tell me all your troubles I genuinely wouldn't know what to say!

All I know when going through a flare up of depression is that the light at the end of the tunnel is so much in the distance its barley visible anymore and right there and then in that very moment nothingness seems like bliss!

The hurt and the emotion becomes too much to handle, all my problems seem to magnify to unbelievable and scary heights and it seems my only way of escaping it all is to end it all.

All I want to do is go home and just lay in my duvet in bed until the darkness fades! I wish I knew a way of fighting the depression rather than waiting for it to pass. I have tried many things in the past but nothing really seemed to work. Excersize is the only thing that helped a little.

I have been here so many times before and always come out the other end and this bout will be no different. Its never any easier to deal with but the thought of me being here before and surviving it plus the thought of my family are the only things keeping me going and not giving up all together.

I just wanted to say to anyone out there who thinks I am doing this as an act of attention seeking you are completely wrong, If I wanted attention I would make a positive blog, like about gaming or something, something that would get me millions of followers. I am doing this purely as an escape for my own personal reasons and if it helps just one person out there to understand a little better about what they are going through.

I don't know the answers my friends I really wish I did, I wish I could wave a magic wand and get rid of this for all of us! But know this if anyone out there reading this is feeling low and alone and like no one is out there to help or listen, you can contact me via the email or the contact page of my blog. I will more than likely not know the answers to your problems but sometimes just talking about it or writing it down makes YOU see sense of your own problems.

I am here for you guys.

Take care

Brez.